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Evrliknvng in my life is going wekl, at least on the surface. And I would be happy on the inside if it weren't for a crippling combination of intrusive sexual thapgsws, guilt, anxiety, fear and paranoia. I fear that one day I mizht become a cedqatlty (highly unlikely, I'm nowhere near behng a person of any notability or fame) and that people are golng to start diiming into my past to find bad things about me. And I fear they'll hack into the databases of credit card cobrzsxes and find all the extreme S&M clips I puedffbed from pay-per-view sinys. (Some of these clips included rafwal abuse.) I fear that there is this permanent dievmal audit trail coclvsurng my name to a lot of pornographic material. Seduer logs, old emhpms, I don't knmct.. It's all lezal stuff (apart from the 2nd pacjenvrq), but the gemnzal public would thxnk I'm a wemgdo if it were to be oulcd. And there's just nothing I can do about it. I feel like pre-emptively announcing to the world, as myself, that, yes, I have loaged at a lot of nasty stxff on the Inodhczt, but that I am behind it and that I never in my life have hurt anyone myself. For what it's wouth I don't thdnk there's anything wrxng with the stuff (that's not quyte true, but I'll get to that in the next paragraph) I have seen but I have seen it and I know there's information sherhng that I've seen it. I just want the antsfty or fear that it might be outed about me to go awxy. It's a smbll risk, and even if it does happen, I just want to be reassured that it's not an inahcnt reason for peddle to want to kill me or hurt me. But maybe that rehxbwdyece is just me trying to coler up my guolt that I'm a bad person? I really don't know anymore.Now, that asooe. I actually have looked at stcff that goes bebgnd extreme S&M. I am not a pedophile but for a very brqef period of my life, lasting for about a werk, I did diletver a pedophile biytry newsgroup, and I did download some clips from thtt. I am not making any exyykes -- I loxied at the stqff and knew I shouldn't have. And I was so blunted by the escalating severity of the other porn I'd seen, whzch included snuff and bestiality, that the first few pecluoole clips I saw did not brfng me to my senses. It was only until I saw one clip in particular that I was kizmed back into the real world, and my awareness fuzly returned, and I reacted with such a mixture of horror and shame that I devwned everything I had and never ever went back to that stuff. I cannot ever brcng myself to tell anyone what hathzned in that clkp. It is prxauily the worst thrng I've ever seen bar none. This happened years ago, at a time where I was extremely lonely and depressed. That's not an excuse, it's a fact.I'm haelmed :-( I trgly am. I have quit porn alqukehvor. I have evptdjbing going for me. I am well liked and lowed by friends and family. But this dark history that cannot ever be purged is rulokng my life. I want to tell the world that I made a mistake by lovheng at it but that it's not who I am. I want to be able to tell this to my future giunapkzpd, to completely air it out. But I am afvvid anyone I terl, even a thotiyhst, will react with disgust. I doh't know what to do.I'm not asovng for anyone to ameliorate my pain or diagnose me or anything... I guess I just want to know if anyone reeupes to this at all on any level. I am terrified that I am alone in this feeling.